Enjoying Suffering

"Sleep is for the weak."

Whoever said this was right: sleep, at least in excess, is for the weak. Or the suffering, whatever. At least some of them. According to WedMD, about 15 percent of people with depression sleep too much. This is despite the fact that depression is commonly linked with insomnia. Usually the case is that, when you have too little sleep, you are tired throughout the day, cannot think or function well, get irritated or upset easily, and so on. (As a student and gamer, I know how that is.) When you have enough sleep, your mood improves, you function better, and everything tends to be just fine. But too much? You find it hard to get out of bed, and you feel tired all the same.

I guess I fall into that 15 percent of people who oversleep when they are depressed. I have noticed this throughout my lifetime, including these past weeks. When I am not stimulated by other things, I begin to daydream. These daydreams, of course, are much more pleasant than my reality. I enjoy experiencing these daydreams in my head, so much so that I seek a comfortable place to experience them more. What better place than in bed? And before I know it, another hour or so has passed by, another nap has been added to my count for the day, and I can at least say to myself, I have conquered time just a little more in this endurance of life.

When I am happy, I am normally busy. I naturally find things to do and I enjoy doing them. I tend to get the minimum amount of sleep I need to function well--sometimes even less. I am ecstatic to live life actively, though when I do get sleep, I enjoy that as well. Nothing is in excess or in too much deficiency. I also have the capacity to be lazy and relax happily, but only if other things in my life are fine.

The life I am leading now is pretty pathetic. It is nowhere near the eudaemonia I have been seeking.

I am reminded of a quote I heard from Hyon Gak Sunim, a Zen monk who shared some of his teachings on this podcast called Zencast. The exchange goes something like this:

"If we know the answer to all of life's suffering, then why do people still suffer?"
"Because they LIKE it."

I loved this quote the moment I heard it. I knew that I was guilty of this at certain times in my life, and I cannot count the times other people have also been guilty of it. Do you understand? Think of the times when you or someone you know has wallowed in misery and made a big deal about it for attention or sympathy. Think even about some people who have been sad for so long and just refuse or have no will to change their lives for the better. And think also about the people who just live in the past.

I will be upfront: all of these people describe me, to some extent, at this point in my life. I'm not proud of it, but I'm honest about it.

Sure, chemical imbalances in the brain can be an excuse. The grief cycle also needs to run its course (no matter what the Stoics say). But for many of us, including myself, after some point we have to recognize our capacity to change our lives for the better. We were once mentally healthy, we normally have been mentally healthy, and we can be mentally healthy again.

The key to happiness, in this case? You need to want it.

Ask yourself: are you still suffering because you can't help it, or because you like it?

If I were to ask myself this weeks ago, I would definitely have answered with the former. I needed my time to grieve. But now, I need to get over myself. I need to accept the things I cannot change or have, and I need to make the most with what is available to me now. Daydreaming in excess does nothing and wastes away my life. I'm at the f***ing beach at a resort hotel, for crying out loud. What is wrong with me!