Enjoying Suffering

"Sleep is for the weak."

Whoever said this was right: sleep, at least in excess, is for the weak. Or the suffering, whatever. At least some of them. According to WedMD, about 15 percent of people with depression sleep too much. This is despite the fact that depression is commonly linked with insomnia. Usually the case is that, when you have too little sleep, you are tired throughout the day, cannot think or function well, get irritated or upset easily, and so on. (As a student and gamer, I know how that is.) When you have enough sleep, your mood improves, you function better, and everything tends to be just fine. But too much? You find it hard to get out of bed, and you feel tired all the same.

I guess I fall into that 15 percent of people who oversleep when they are depressed. I have noticed this throughout my lifetime, including these past weeks. When I am not stimulated by other things, I begin to daydream. These daydreams, of course, are much more pleasant than my reality. I enjoy experiencing these daydreams in my head, so much so that I seek a comfortable place to experience them more. What better place than in bed? And before I know it, another hour or so has passed by, another nap has been added to my count for the day, and I can at least say to myself, I have conquered time just a little more in this endurance of life.

When I am happy, I am normally busy. I naturally find things to do and I enjoy doing them. I tend to get the minimum amount of sleep I need to function well--sometimes even less. I am ecstatic to live life actively, though when I do get sleep, I enjoy that as well. Nothing is in excess or in too much deficiency. I also have the capacity to be lazy and relax happily, but only if other things in my life are fine.

The life I am leading now is pretty pathetic. It is nowhere near the eudaemonia I have been seeking.

I am reminded of a quote I heard from Hyon Gak Sunim, a Zen monk who shared some of his teachings on this podcast called Zencast. The exchange goes something like this:

"If we know the answer to all of life's suffering, then why do people still suffer?"
"Because they LIKE it."

I loved this quote the moment I heard it. I knew that I was guilty of this at certain times in my life, and I cannot count the times other people have also been guilty of it. Do you understand? Think of the times when you or someone you know has wallowed in misery and made a big deal about it for attention or sympathy. Think even about some people who have been sad for so long and just refuse or have no will to change their lives for the better. And think also about the people who just live in the past.

I will be upfront: all of these people describe me, to some extent, at this point in my life. I'm not proud of it, but I'm honest about it.

Sure, chemical imbalances in the brain can be an excuse. The grief cycle also needs to run its course (no matter what the Stoics say). But for many of us, including myself, after some point we have to recognize our capacity to change our lives for the better. We were once mentally healthy, we normally have been mentally healthy, and we can be mentally healthy again.

The key to happiness, in this case? You need to want it.

Ask yourself: are you still suffering because you can't help it, or because you like it?

If I were to ask myself this weeks ago, I would definitely have answered with the former. I needed my time to grieve. But now, I need to get over myself. I need to accept the things I cannot change or have, and I need to make the most with what is available to me now. Daydreaming in excess does nothing and wastes away my life. I'm at the f***ing beach at a resort hotel, for crying out loud. What is wrong with me!

Sunyata: Emptiness

These weeks have given me a stark reminder of Buddhist doctrine of sunyata, or emptiness. As I have (slowly) matured throughout the years, overcoming obstacles large and small, I began to understand and accept the phenomenon of emptiness... at least for most things. For one exception, I know I can rely on my family no matter what. Although certainly a Buddhist would remind me that even family is empty and transient, I could at least attest that family has been a constant in my life and should still be for years to come. Furthermore, my friends have been there for me. Though the faces change from time to time, I can always call on certain ones and receive a positive response, a willingness to reconnect and help out when needed.  My own determination is another thing that I have cultivated to be as solid as it can be, though there are more challenges ahead of me that will continue to push it to its limits.

But beyond these factors, and to an extent, even within these factors, all things are empty. For an enlightened Buddhist, this is a liberating truth, a truth to be content with and to sincerely live and appreciate life for what it is. For those of us who are yet to be enlightened, including myself, this is a scary, depressing, deflating truth. We still cling to things impermanent, wishing so badly that they were not what they actually are.

This past year, I invested myself into something I thought would be permanent, despite my past experience in which I learned to never do that again. Otherwise, as the Buddhists and Stoics simply and wisely stated, you will suffer (dukkha), or you will experience emotional disturbance.

Well, shit, here I am, still suffering, still emotionally disturbed. As I feared should the (I naively thought) impossible happen, my world shattered apart.

As I fought the attachment to this thing, my meaning for life molded into that thing. And now that the end has come, I feel the emptiness. I feel the emptiness of life. Will Barrett, in The Second Coming, asks two questions:

Why live?


And then later on he asks,


Why not live?

I think I am in the stage between the two questions asked. I sincerely don't know why I should continue living anymore. I don't have anyone dependent on me, to my knowledge. I have no family of my own (as in, husband, kids) to worry about their future should I depart from this life in the near future. Though my family and friends now would mourn the loss of their daughter, sister, and friend, over time they'll likely get over it.

At the same time, I know it would be a damn waste if I suddenly ended my life. A wonderful thing amidst this suffering was that I had my graduation, in which my hard work during my four years in college were recognized with an abundance of awards and a degree with the distinction of summa cum laude. Though one does not need all of these awards and distinctions in college to do well in life, they are great signs of it. I know I have the potential to do good things for other people and the world.

The hard part is enduring life before such good things come about. It is depressing that I have come back to viewing living as a test of endurance rather than a joy. You may ask, can't life encompass both? It certainly can. I just find it hard to believe for myself at this point.

A wise friend of mine said that at some point we must all learn to live alone. As sad as I thought that statement was, I think she is right.

No longer shall I trust again in such empty things.

Loving Yourself

This is a cute story I found, which I am quickly posting since I'm continuously failing to balance my blogging with my school life:

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. 'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.' The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?' 'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.' For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.' Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

Grad School lulz

Collegehumor: A "Real" Grad School Ad

Education Improves Your Chances (and other myths of our generation)

Anonymous said...

This is yet another reason to avoid law school. If you are a 22 year old with zero debt, you have the dignity that comes from knowing you don't owe anyone anything.

Why ruin that by taking on a bunch of debt?

JANUARY 10, 2012 4:09 PM

 Anonymous said...

22 year olds don't think that way.....they are constantly sold the education improves your chances myth.

(from LawProf's "Interesting Piece of Evidence" comments)

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      Anonymous said...

REALIST:

As an undergrad engineering major, I interned at a industrial research lab. My boss had a PhD and grumbled that all of the decisions about what he got to research were made by his boss, who had a MBA. That insight led me to earn my own MBA after engineering school.

While I was in my MBA program, our economics professor was explaining to us the concept of opportunity cost. He mentioned that those students who pursued a PhD in economics would never make the same money as the MBA students. Which prompted me to ask in class, "So the Economic PhD's actually failed to understand economics". My comment did not endear me to him.

Many of us working in industry have MS or MBA's that lead to well paying jobs across a wide assortment of careers. If you're not happy in your graduate program, take a look around you and see what opportunities may be awaiting you.

I still enjoy hitting my public library weekly to read up on my interests in history, culture, politics, science, etc. It's more fun, because it's unrelated to my job.

I now have a daughter in college, and what I told her was "If it's fun to do, they're not going to pay you much to do it."

January 6, 2012 11:42 AM

Pointless Credentials said...

I recently rethought our North American obsession with credentials when I saw this video about tribal people learning how to do dentistry in under two weeks.

http://itecusa.org/i-dent-video.html

Some people just have a natural ability to do things. Some countries don't seem to be so obsessed with the sheepskin on the wall.

January 7, 2012 6:32 AM

STEM Doctor said...

The politicians are still operating under the delusion that everyone must go to college. If this actually happens, I'm sure that teaching those introductory composition courses is going to become even more of a thrill for the English graduate students.

Anonymous said...

This reason points to a reality that is lost on most middle-class people with academic aspirations. 

It's hard for them to wrap their brains around the fact that their high school math teachers who eat tuna sandwiches in the teacher's lounge and drive beat-up cars to work every day could possibly be living more comfortably than someone with "professor" in their job title.

It does not compute.

In their minds, professors are in the upper middle class, drive European cars, live in the nice part of town, hobnob with other people who "matter," vacation abroad, have season tickets to the ballet, etc.

Even grad students buried up to their eyeballs in their dissertations cling to this idea. They almost have to believe it to keep them going.

When reality sets in, and you find yourself envying your old teachers with their tuna sandwiches (on whom you once looked with a certain measure of contempt), you realize how hoodwinked you've been.

January 4, 2012 9:27 AM

(From 100 Reasons Not to Go to Grad Schools' "75. You can make more money as a schoolteacher" comments)