Self-assessment, Part 3: Family

Two months ago, with the help of whom I shall call "Mr. Fantastic," I decided to compile a list of everything about which I am passionate. As the main theme of this blog implies, I had a hard time figuring out exactly what makes me happy in terms of a career... so I hoped making such a list would help me. I realized I could honestly do almost anything since I am a very adaptable person with many interests--and this, my friends, is highly problematic in a society that prizes specialization. In any case, this is part of what my list looked like:

• Mr. Fantastic
• Family
• Taking care of people
• Ethics
• Yoshi
• Video games
• Reading
• Learning and learning leeearning
• Mr. Fantastic
• Food
• Eating like a guy (which Mr. Fantastic finds cool)
• Talking about random things (with Mr. Fantastic)
• Writing
• Technology
• Researching anything
• Music
• Piano
• Serving
• Mr. Fantastic
• Cute things
• Nature
• Telling Mr. Fantastic what to do
• Problem-solving
• Education
• Laughing and smiling (which Mr. Fantastic likes)
• Movies
• Mr. Fantastic

This was the order in which I (and Mr. Fantastic, over my shoulder) thought these things up.

There was another notable exercise I did last year. A mentor of mine introduced me and some peers to a game called Headlines. For each year stated, each person would create a "headline" that would capture a big event or characterize that year for them. The usual things people said were, "In 2010 I got [this scholarship]... In 2008 I got accepted to [fancy university]... In 2005 I won [this competition]..." When it was my turn, I would say things like this:

• "In 2010 I ended a very unhealthy relationship and was so depressed. I had never felt more alone... In 2008 I left my home for the first time to go to college, and I cried a lot... In 2005 I had an English class with someone who turned out to be one of my favorite teachers ever..."

What's the difference? If I were to write my own autobiography, I wouldn't title my chapters based on each credential I earned; I would title them by significant events in my social life.

[Which is kinda funny because I don't consider myself a very "social" person.]

So, there's a trend. And as I've been contributing to this blog and contemplating on the sources of happiness in my life, I did keep coming back to the people I love. Most of all, of course, Mr. Fantastic. Then I remembered these exercises. I remember being frustrated that my list didn't point me to any specific career (well, perhaps something coming out of grad school or law school, but you know how I feel about those, now). But what this list does show me is the lifestyle I would want, as well at least the nature of my career.

We must also consider what I didn't list: money, prestige, big house... even the word career. And I can honestly tell you that I don't think any one academic subject awakens within me a fire of passion, so at least for now I can stop trying to convince myself that I even like the idea of these 'prestigious' careers. I can stop lying to myself. I can forget all about grad school and law school. 

Granted, at another point in my life, if I were to make a list, it would be quite different. But then, was I even close to figuring out what made me happy before? I would've needed to be quite happy to figure it out. In these past months, though, I realized that I have indeed been happier than at any other point in my life. Sure, I've been doing well in class, enjoying class, keeping in shape, and so on--but at the end of the night and in the wake of the morning, what really put a smile on my face were thoughts of Mr. Fantastic. And needless to say, I more than treasured the now-very-limited time I have with my family and old friends this winter break. So in summary, what makes me happiest are my loved ones. And being in love, especially!

You may think, damn, Marie, it took you all this time figure that out? 

Embarrassingly...yes? 

Alternately, you may ask, Marie, you might graduate summa cum laude with all these things on your resume, and your only dream is to marry someone and have a family? Like some goody two-shoes girl from the 20th/19th/18th... century?

I guess so.

What about being a doctor??? 

Who are you, my parents? 
And is there something wrong with my desires? 

When I was heavily researching law school and grad school, I figured out that the biggest thing lurking in the back of my mind was that at some point in my life, I really want a to live happily with someone and have a family of our own.  I want to have time with my family to take care of them and enjoy being with them. [I won't say anything more because of all the people I know reading this blog of nonsense.] Therefore, the hugest problems I have with law school and grad school are these:

• The six-digit debt will bring mounds of stress to me and my future family. How can I expect this family to live comfortably and save for the children's education if I'm still trying to pay off mine (that didn't give me much output, to boot) years and years later? I feel ridiculously selfish to pursue extra schooling and satiate my desire to learn while throwing thousands of dollars out the window, having lots of debt in the end.
• The three-to-five year commitment will delay a lot of planning for a family. It's not as much of an issue for a man, but for a woman school is not conducive to the mother-worker/student. 
• Considering that even if I miraculously land a job as a tenure-track professor or big-shot lawyer, I will most likely not enjoy either career, I cannot imagine what a strain that will put on my relationships. 
• Furthermore, being a lawyer in particular is not conducive to having free time. 60 to 80 hours of [stressful] work a week? For menial pay, at that? (if we actually calculate # of hours worked and # of dollars earned, it's actually not much for most lawyers and is certainly not worth the law school investment)

If I didn't care so much about having a family, I could easily dismiss these things and just say, "Well, I can try it out. Parents are willing to pay big bucks anyway for their daughter to get a fancy title. If I get the job (whichever path I end up choosing), I'll work loads but I'll be a distinguished person! And if it doesn't work out, I can live with my parents while finding an alternate career." 

I'm snickering. A bit. 

And it's quite depressing having this revelation that most of my life has revolved around impressing people (teachers, parents, sibling, society). That's why I've made myself a damn good student. But school is ending, bills and loans must be paid, and I'm growing up with a ticking biological clock and turning back to those simple desires--you know, being with loved ones. [And food and books and... but, seriously...!] And most importantly, these are my desires, not others' induced onto me. 

In any case, I do realize that I perhaps think far too ahead of myself. What self-respecting 22-year-old, 21st-century graduating senior [woman] would put the prospect of having a family as the first thing in her mind? I'm not even engaged, for crying out loud. And of course I don't want children this early in my life! This is all assuming someone would actually want to marry me and have a family; for all I know, I could just end up a spinster with a house full of kitties. [Lordy, that looks depressing. But at least I'll be surrounded by cute, furry things.] 

But if my original question to myself was, "What really makes me happy?" then I have finally succeeded at answering it. And I suppose that is all that matters for now. 

Some people's number one goal in life is to be an astronaut, a doctor, a lawyer, a professor, or to be famous, make it rich, cure cancer, save the starving children, cleanse the world of all people except those with blond hair and blue eyes... But my number one goal is different. My career and everything  else come second and ideally revolve around this goal.

Besides, it's at least not dumb to think about finances, time commitments, etcetera, especially in our currently BOOMING in DEBT economy in these United States. After reading those all-too-common horror stories of newly-minted JDs and humanities Ph.D.'s today, I cannot imagine raising a family in such conditions. No, friends, I will sacrifice my selfish desire to learn in higher ed for my even greater selfish desire of procreating (or I guess adopting is good too if I can't do that) and nurturing. 

Nurturing? Liek nursing? Liek, hmm...

Hello, world.

So I start a new blog, Eudaemonia, towards the end--but not quite--of the first semester of my senior year. It's an odd time to start, methinks. So what am I doing here?

I just finished a long conversation with an old online friend. I had not talked to him in years because of a conflict we had, but we have both decided to look past that conflict and try to be friends again. It's worked, for the most part. He is still that fun guy I grew fond of with our mutual love for general nerdiness. At the same time, he is also that arrogant prick I grew to despise. Now, I first got to know him when I was in high school, when I thought I was mature (what, assuming I am now?), trapped in my Catholic high school and video game bubble.

As far as Catholicism went, I recognized that I hold little faith in it, but I still respected it for what it was, as well as for the great education their kind of school gave me.

Then there was my friend I mentioned earlier, who had this popular modernist worldview that all religions, especially Christianity, are backward, for the uneducated, full of lies, etc. He rolled out the usual refutations of the Bible--the problem of evil, the multiple contradictions, the ridiculous laws it contained that, for example, justified slavery or cruel treatment of women. I already knew, as a wee high school girl, that my friend's refutations rested on very simplistic understandings of the Bible and Christianity. One flaw, for example, is that official Catholic doctrine embraces evolution. Yes, friend, the Bible can actually be interpreted on something higher than the literal view, and in multiple ways. The ends of these conversations either trailed off into nothingness or to him admitting that, perhaps, he had more of an issue with certain groups of religious people rather than religion itself. Progress, perhaps?

Tonight, he brought up questions about religion and the Bible again. And his views apparently had not changed after all these years. He brought out the same refutations, the same notion that religion has no inherent worth, and so on. At this point, I could at least use my advanced studies in religion and postmodernism to better articulate my thoughts. Again, though, the conversation eventually ended up like before, and I have a good feeling the conversation did not open his mind up as much as I had wished.

Reflecting on his lack of value he saw in religion, I concluded that he probably has not had very many enriching experiences with religious people or people of different cultures. I am sure that, despite the tons of money he owns, he still must not have traveled out of the U.S., let alone out of home state or Florida (for family vacations, of course). He is probably still deeply affected by the zealousness of his parents' Baptist church and the Bible-thumping South he lives in. This is understandable, and the act of writing about it calms me a bit. Yet he very much exudes the gamer and fantasy reader he always has been, and now I see this in a negative view: at his age (mid-twenties), he is still trapped in his self-serving world of video games, LOTRO, and Star Wars.

I got quite disgusted after rationalizing all of this. How could he live such a selfish life, not really serving others, not really going out there and experiencing the world, and not expanding his mind? At this point the adage that education is not limited to the classroom struck me hard.

At the same time, this whole conversation and the disgust I felt helped me to discern what I did NOT want to do with my life. I have been struggling with this for a lot of this semester. I had contemplated on, after all, having a simple life with simple pleasures--going to work 9-5, coming home to play video games and eat, spend time with family, and sleep, and then getting up to do the same thing again. What was wrong with the simple life, I thought. What was the point of me chasing after these prestigious programs or finding difficult things to do just to challenge myself? But after talking to my friend, I found that I at least don't want the extreme end of the simple, selfish, close-minded life.

And so goes the creation of my new blog, Eudaemonia. I chose this name because I feel that I am truly on a journey now in finding my own virtuous life that makes me, for the most part, happy. And what is happiness for me? That is what my journey is about. I at least know, at this point, that I do not want that simple, selfish life. At the same time, after my happy rejection from Teach for America, I know that I do not want that chaotic, completely selfless life. But more on that later.

For now, I must sleep. But in the meantime, I say, welcome to my blog!