Self-assessment, Part 3: Family

Two months ago, with the help of whom I shall call "Mr. Fantastic," I decided to compile a list of everything about which I am passionate. As the main theme of this blog implies, I had a hard time figuring out exactly what makes me happy in terms of a career... so I hoped making such a list would help me. I realized I could honestly do almost anything since I am a very adaptable person with many interests--and this, my friends, is highly problematic in a society that prizes specialization. In any case, this is part of what my list looked like:

• Mr. Fantastic
• Family
• Taking care of people
• Ethics
• Yoshi
• Video games
• Reading
• Learning and learning leeearning
• Mr. Fantastic
• Food
• Eating like a guy (which Mr. Fantastic finds cool)
• Talking about random things (with Mr. Fantastic)
• Writing
• Technology
• Researching anything
• Music
• Piano
• Serving
• Mr. Fantastic
• Cute things
• Nature
• Telling Mr. Fantastic what to do
• Problem-solving
• Education
• Laughing and smiling (which Mr. Fantastic likes)
• Movies
• Mr. Fantastic

This was the order in which I (and Mr. Fantastic, over my shoulder) thought these things up.

There was another notable exercise I did last year. A mentor of mine introduced me and some peers to a game called Headlines. For each year stated, each person would create a "headline" that would capture a big event or characterize that year for them. The usual things people said were, "In 2010 I got [this scholarship]... In 2008 I got accepted to [fancy university]... In 2005 I won [this competition]..." When it was my turn, I would say things like this:

• "In 2010 I ended a very unhealthy relationship and was so depressed. I had never felt more alone... In 2008 I left my home for the first time to go to college, and I cried a lot... In 2005 I had an English class with someone who turned out to be one of my favorite teachers ever..."

What's the difference? If I were to write my own autobiography, I wouldn't title my chapters based on each credential I earned; I would title them by significant events in my social life.

[Which is kinda funny because I don't consider myself a very "social" person.]

So, there's a trend. And as I've been contributing to this blog and contemplating on the sources of happiness in my life, I did keep coming back to the people I love. Most of all, of course, Mr. Fantastic. Then I remembered these exercises. I remember being frustrated that my list didn't point me to any specific career (well, perhaps something coming out of grad school or law school, but you know how I feel about those, now). But what this list does show me is the lifestyle I would want, as well at least the nature of my career.

We must also consider what I didn't list: money, prestige, big house... even the word career. And I can honestly tell you that I don't think any one academic subject awakens within me a fire of passion, so at least for now I can stop trying to convince myself that I even like the idea of these 'prestigious' careers. I can stop lying to myself. I can forget all about grad school and law school. 

Granted, at another point in my life, if I were to make a list, it would be quite different. But then, was I even close to figuring out what made me happy before? I would've needed to be quite happy to figure it out. In these past months, though, I realized that I have indeed been happier than at any other point in my life. Sure, I've been doing well in class, enjoying class, keeping in shape, and so on--but at the end of the night and in the wake of the morning, what really put a smile on my face were thoughts of Mr. Fantastic. And needless to say, I more than treasured the now-very-limited time I have with my family and old friends this winter break. So in summary, what makes me happiest are my loved ones. And being in love, especially!

You may think, damn, Marie, it took you all this time figure that out? 

Embarrassingly...yes? 

Alternately, you may ask, Marie, you might graduate summa cum laude with all these things on your resume, and your only dream is to marry someone and have a family? Like some goody two-shoes girl from the 20th/19th/18th... century?

I guess so.

What about being a doctor??? 

Who are you, my parents? 
And is there something wrong with my desires? 

When I was heavily researching law school and grad school, I figured out that the biggest thing lurking in the back of my mind was that at some point in my life, I really want a to live happily with someone and have a family of our own.  I want to have time with my family to take care of them and enjoy being with them. [I won't say anything more because of all the people I know reading this blog of nonsense.] Therefore, the hugest problems I have with law school and grad school are these:

• The six-digit debt will bring mounds of stress to me and my future family. How can I expect this family to live comfortably and save for the children's education if I'm still trying to pay off mine (that didn't give me much output, to boot) years and years later? I feel ridiculously selfish to pursue extra schooling and satiate my desire to learn while throwing thousands of dollars out the window, having lots of debt in the end.
• The three-to-five year commitment will delay a lot of planning for a family. It's not as much of an issue for a man, but for a woman school is not conducive to the mother-worker/student. 
• Considering that even if I miraculously land a job as a tenure-track professor or big-shot lawyer, I will most likely not enjoy either career, I cannot imagine what a strain that will put on my relationships. 
• Furthermore, being a lawyer in particular is not conducive to having free time. 60 to 80 hours of [stressful] work a week? For menial pay, at that? (if we actually calculate # of hours worked and # of dollars earned, it's actually not much for most lawyers and is certainly not worth the law school investment)

If I didn't care so much about having a family, I could easily dismiss these things and just say, "Well, I can try it out. Parents are willing to pay big bucks anyway for their daughter to get a fancy title. If I get the job (whichever path I end up choosing), I'll work loads but I'll be a distinguished person! And if it doesn't work out, I can live with my parents while finding an alternate career." 

I'm snickering. A bit. 

And it's quite depressing having this revelation that most of my life has revolved around impressing people (teachers, parents, sibling, society). That's why I've made myself a damn good student. But school is ending, bills and loans must be paid, and I'm growing up with a ticking biological clock and turning back to those simple desires--you know, being with loved ones. [And food and books and... but, seriously...!] And most importantly, these are my desires, not others' induced onto me. 

In any case, I do realize that I perhaps think far too ahead of myself. What self-respecting 22-year-old, 21st-century graduating senior [woman] would put the prospect of having a family as the first thing in her mind? I'm not even engaged, for crying out loud. And of course I don't want children this early in my life! This is all assuming someone would actually want to marry me and have a family; for all I know, I could just end up a spinster with a house full of kitties. [Lordy, that looks depressing. But at least I'll be surrounded by cute, furry things.] 

But if my original question to myself was, "What really makes me happy?" then I have finally succeeded at answering it. And I suppose that is all that matters for now. 

Some people's number one goal in life is to be an astronaut, a doctor, a lawyer, a professor, or to be famous, make it rich, cure cancer, save the starving children, cleanse the world of all people except those with blond hair and blue eyes... But my number one goal is different. My career and everything  else come second and ideally revolve around this goal.

Besides, it's at least not dumb to think about finances, time commitments, etcetera, especially in our currently BOOMING in DEBT economy in these United States. After reading those all-too-common horror stories of newly-minted JDs and humanities Ph.D.'s today, I cannot imagine raising a family in such conditions. No, friends, I will sacrifice my selfish desire to learn in higher ed for my even greater selfish desire of procreating (or I guess adopting is good too if I can't do that) and nurturing. 

Nurturing? Liek nursing? Liek, hmm...